How to change your HUSBAND…..WIFE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, or FRIEND!

HOW  to CHANGE your HUSBAND…..WIFE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, or FRIEND!

Here I was having a typical week, Allegra in day care, relaxing in my place of Zen, when I received the call. It was a woman venting out her frustration with her husband,

“Why can’t he just CHANGE?”

I must have had a neon sign on my head that week as I’d been magnetising calls from women everywhere, venting out their frustrations and asking the same questions:

 

“Why doesn’t he take more initiative?”

“Why isn’t he more considerate?”

“Why can’t he help out more?”

…And with full angst and growls, “ANNA….HOW DO I CHANGE MY HUSBAND?”

 

Thinking about it, I’m sure the men, partners or significant others would have had their own collection of questions,

“Why can’t she just STOP yelling and nagging at me?”

“Why can’t she STOP GETTING WORKED UP over little things?”

“Why can’t she take a CHILL PILL?”

 

I empathised, allowing the lady to vent all the husband resentment…then I BROKE the NEWS to her…

“YOU CAN’T CHANGE YOUR HUSBAND…at least not by YELLING or TELLING them what  to do.”

 

From personal experience I learnt that if you PUSH a person to change – it won’t last.

He or she may change MOMENTARILY and TEMPORARILY to please you but it will soon stop because the PUSH is coming from outside not within. He may temporarily take initiative, but only under fear that a gun is being held at his head.

 

So HOW do you get that lasting CHANGE?

There is a WAY…it’s through INSPIRATION.

FIND a way to inspire the person to change from within rather than PUSHING them.

 

For example:

My husband Sheldon, whilst mild and mannerly, secretly erupts into his own quiet fury. Whilst I tend to erupt and let everything out verbally, he would store his negative vibrations as ammunition and at the right time (usually after coming home from work) he would send those destructive darts at me in a quiet way, turning the atmosphere into a cloud of negative energy. My colleague and I called it the ‘MAN PERIOD’.

In the beginning I was a little more patient, “It’s okay honey… you’ve had a hard day at work.”

Fast forward a couple of years after having a child, “Look… if you are going to have your negative energy going on and you don’t want to communicate it, can you keep your negative energy over in that corner? Keep it tidy. Don’t drag me down with it”.

 

Then I discovered a better LASTING solution.

INSPIRE THEM FROM WITHIN

 

As talking with Sheldon did not work and he refused to be coached by me, I let him be. I asked him, “Can you proof read one chapter of my eBook 10 Secrets to Change Your Life for grammatical errors?”

He came of the room a CHANGED MAN. Excited and wide eyed, Sheldon told me about all these projects and ideas he had to start a website. In the ten years I’ve known Sheldon I’ve never seen him initiate a single entrepreneurial idea. He was a couch and TV person. I thought to myself, wait and see if this is real.

Tonight he showed me the progress…he was serious. His excitement for this project has brought him home every night full of excitement – and ever since, man period hasn’t returned.  Plus I can see it occupies his thoughts all day. He tells me in the morning “I can do this….and that….”

I’m still blown away. I discovered the core of grumpiness was lack of inspiration in his life. He was going to work every day working long hours with no real passion. Through setting up a website and sharing advice with people who had strata issues, he found a way to serve the world. He reignited his purpose.

 

I didn’t have to LIFT a FINGER or TELL HIM TO CHANGE.

Inspiration makes the change effortless on your part.

 

“The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” – Ken Hudgins

 

Dr Demartini goes into more depth with this in his book  Inspired Destiny.

Everybody has a set of priorities which Demartini calls the “Hierarchy of Values”.  Every person has a unique hierarchy of values, which is a list of what you consider to be most important in your life to what is least important. You make every decision according to this hierarchy.

You can see your hierarchy just by going shopping. When shopping, Sheldon automatically looks at what is higher on his hierarchy of values – that is the latest PS3 games or running shoes. I on the other hand head towards ladies fashion and kids clothing whilst Allegra heads straight for the toys.  We each shop for what serves our highest values.

You will spend time and money on what is highest on your hierarchy of values.

One person may value property and wealth building as highest on their list so they will spend most of their time and money achieving this goal, whilst another person may value travelling and place lower in priority saving and investing. Another person may place their highest value on family and therefore choose not to work long hours to spend time with the family, whilst another would value his/her car and spend money upgrading and maintaining.

 

So how is this related to changing your husband/wife, significant other or friend?

Find out what is highest on their values. Ask yourself, how can doing this behaviour or making this change help him/her  achieve  their highest value?

 

I hear you asking, ‘How do I do that?’

Start by finding out their hierarchy of values (you can do this for yourself too!)

 

Dr Demartini says you can discover your own unique set of values by asking some of the following questions:

  1. How do you fill your space
  2. How do you spend your time?
  3. How do you spend your energy?
  4. How do you spend your money?
  5. What do you think about?
  6. What inspires you?
  7. What do you talk to other people about?

Once you have written your answers, take note if a particular value keeps showing up, e.g.  having travel books in your room, talking about travel and spending your money on travelling indicates this is high on your values, whereas something like cleaning  or saving money may not be so high and rank lower. Place in order the highest value (the value that comes up more frequently) to the lowest value to discover your unique hierarchy of values. You will see where your priorities are.

People don’t show any passion or initiative when it isn’t high on their values. But the moment they know it is helping them reach their highest value – motivation will come from within.  My telling Sheldon to change did nothing. However inspiration was self-driven.

 

Link that change with how it will help them to achieve their highest values.

 

You might say, “But It’s completely unrelated!”  Remember, everything in the universe is interconnected.  Be creative!

If their highest value is playing PS3, you could say, “Honey if you can help me out with cleaning up, we can get the kids into bed earlier and that would give you extra time on the PS3”.

If their highest value is getting a promotion at work – “If you learn to make more decisions and take initiative by helping out at home without me having to give you every bit of instruction,  you could use these skills at work and your natural leadership qualities will impress your boss”.

Now men, if your lady’s highest value is relaxation and holidaying, you might say to them, “Honey if you relax a bit more or take a walk instead of screaming at me, I can think more clearly, I function better at work, go for that promotion and perhaps then afford that holiday you wanted.”

I even use this with my 3 year old when she doesn’t want to eat, “If you eat your food, you will get bigger and bigger like your cousin Kayla who is 8 years old”. I simply link the change with her highest value – being just like her cousin Kayla who she idolises.

Get it?

 

DON’T PUSH THE PERSON… INSPIRE THEM!  SHOW THEM HOW MAKING THIS CHANGE WILL BENEFIT AND HELP THEM ACHIEVE THEIR HIGHEST VALUE! CREATE THAT LINK and you will create CHANGE with less effort!

 

Want to know 5 simple steps to help you experience more joy in  your life? Register on this page to find out more.

Do you have any questions? Contact me at anna@valuelifecoaching.com

 

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